Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
