So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
