So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
