Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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