i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
