I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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