Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
