my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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