The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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