Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
