Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize