I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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