last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
