Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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