I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
