remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
