My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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