I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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