Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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