my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
