the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
