i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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