so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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