I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
