The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
