no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
