you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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