I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
