You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My pussy is not your playground.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
