You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
