hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
