i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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