you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
