just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
