You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
