i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
