Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
