I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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