If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
