I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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