mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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