I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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