I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
false alarm. still invincible.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Randomize
