Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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