He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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