I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
A bitchslap is in order.
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