if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
