I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
