Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
