I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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