walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
