So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
