the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
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