I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
