You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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