we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
